Why Polyamory Fits Me

I knew from a young age that I didn't want to be a "standard female".

In elementary school, this drive to be unique, drive to be different than other girls, manifested itself in "tom-boy" behavior - I preferred sports over dolls, had no interest in Barbie and Ken and aside from one feed-me dollie before I entered Kindergarten, I never wanted to own a doll or 'play house' or pretend I was a Mommy.

In junior high and high school, the sports and non-feminine behavior continued. I didn't wear jewelry nor makeup nor skirts, didn't giggle over boys, and really didn't even have much interest in dating. I grew up in a small town whose grapevine was very quick and very short, and I never had any interest in being on the tips of everyone's tongue. Getting out of the small town was the ultimate goal of finishing High School.

Despite all of my attempts to not be like a standard female, I still am a straight female. I've pondered on this a great deal and find that while I find some women to be a mentor to me, and I can honestly say that I love my best female friend, I'm really only sexually attracted to males.

Of the few relationships I had before 2000, many had a 'cheating' element to them. I've been someone else's someone else, and have had a someone else of my own. I've even done the nasty with two people in one day, with one guy being unaware of the other, and one quite aware of the other. But, I always told myself that part of the reason was that I wasn't "serious" about this boyfriend, that I wasn't ready to settle down and therefore "it didn't matter". Like Joey on an early episode of Friends when he finds out his father has a woman on the side, I thought I'd be able to be the "stand up girl and go the distance" when I found the "right guy".

Then I met this guy... I was single at the time, but he wasn't. He aroused a lot of thoughts and feelings in me during the short time we were together, and I walked away from him because it was too much for me to handle - the distance, the secrecy, the lust, and the Love that was continuing to grow out of every action I saw him take.

When I walked away from him, I thought he was the only one who could make me feel that way - he was unique, he was different, he was special, but we weren't meant to be together, and even if he were single, the relationship would have been hellish on my side. He was too fine, too hot, too interesting, and too well-liked. At the age of 23 or so, I wasn't emotionally prepared for something that intense, because I never believed that a guy so fine, hot, interesting and well-liked would consider me. He could, after all, have practically any woman he wanted.

Three years after saying goodbye to him and not really being able to talk through the separation transition, I met someone else who aroused some of the same feelings in me. But this time, I was already in a serious relationship, married via common law, and thought I was happy with it.

It took me many months to come to terms with the fact that I really did have the capacity to love two people and not take love away from either of them. I realized during that transition that part of my problem had been my upbringing: Mom and Dad raised me to believe that you can Love your family and husband, but only Like your friends. And of course, as most of us were raised to believe, Loving two people at the same time means only that I had to make a choice of WHICH to continue to love, and which to discard.

I have troubles with that whole "discard the old love for the new one" type of serial monogamy that is encouraged in the world. It makes me feel insecure, because I know that personally I am attracted to a wide variety of people, and although I'm a lucky female who isn't libido-driven when it comes to deciding my actions with those people I'm attracted to, I experienced the hurt that a libido-driven male can generate when it comes time to choose someone new and get rid of the old one.

While I'm glad my husband (soon to be ex) was supportive in exploring the scary world of Polyamory, I'm more glad that I discovered this community online that thinks in similar ways that I do about relationships and the detrimentitive effect of jealousy-laden and cheating-prone Monogamy.

My family doesn't know, and I don't know if I'll "come out" to them or not. I'd like to be able to but that depends on my ability to stay ethical in this ethical non-monogamy story.

Stay tuned to find out how it goes, and about many other thoughts on the topic!