Why Do I "Have" To Choose?

These days, I fully admit to not watching very much regular television. I do watch rented or purchased movies in DVD or VHS format, and I do watch seasons of older TV shows through the DVD sets we have purchased in our household, but regular daily television with its bombardment of commercials and time spent surfing 200 channels to find the next thing to entertain me is something I haven't done since graduating from High School some 15 years ago.

"Friends" is the DVD TV shows we're watching today. We're on season two right now, and Ross and Rachael have broken up again, after a particularly sorrisome display by Ross when Rachael quit her job at the coffee shop and lucked into a job at Bloomingdales.

Ross's behavior was SO INCREDIBLY PATHETIC that my roommate and myself opted to skip about 6 episodes just so we wouldn't have to be subjected to the train-wreck-in-progress.

What about Ross's behavior was so pathetic? Simply this: His complete possessiveness of Rachael and his inability to trust in her love for him, simply because there's an attractive guy that Ross doesn't know very well, in the "at work at Bloomingdale's" picture.

"Friends" itself is chock full of "love anguish", where pretty much every Friend develops two favorable relationships with members of the opposite sex at some point, and then has to "decide" which one to continue on with. Every time it comes up, I'm not surprised, but I can't help but shake my head:

A lot of the time, the two people involved with the central "Friend" character actually LIKE each other and are already friends or could easily be friends. But for some reason, it doesn't matter how well all three get along, the focus is on "the choice". One or the other. Can't "have" both.

Oh, there's one exception to this pattern in Friends - one episode actually covers Joey's dad and his girlfriend, which the wife knows about and doesn't demand he make a decision for. Why? Mainly because with this second relationship, Joey Sr. has changed from a grumpy mean old codger to a guy who treats his wife well, and he's not planning to leave his wife broke, destitute and alone. The girlfriend ties strongly into this last part as well - she's obviously not of the mindset of "I must make him mine and mine alone", which is another monogamistic attitude that breaks up families just as much as discovery of the married person who strays.

Of course, Joey is freaked out about the whole situation, forces his father to tell his mother about the girlfriend, does some soul searching in what I believe is a "naive" way, and then in the end finds out that Mom already knew and would rather stick with the "don't ask, don't tell" mentality.

While I don't encourage folks to subscribe to "don't ask, don't tell", it's at least a little bit closer to acknowledging human behavior. And yes, I know there are those who believe our self-control (and opposable thumbs) is what separates us as human from animal behavior... that's something I agree with to a point. I don't agree that repressing emotion is a valuable human behavior.

Going back a little bit, I found Joey Jr.'s soul searching "naive" because he missed a key piece of information in his logic. He fully admits dating more than one woman at a time and sleeping with a number of them, and his father's infidelity made him think about his own ability to stay true when he finds the "one" to marry and spend the rest of his life with. He talks about "being a stand-up guy" and "going the distance", and Chandler reassures him by saying he's sure Joey'd be able to say "no, I'm married" when the tests came along.

The naivity, in my opinion, came in the fact that "habits" were not mentioned as any part of this fidelity equation. Joey's a toned-down "womanizer", in that we only hear about his exploits in passing instead of seeing that part of him every day - the show focuses on his relationship with his platonic friends and his acting career - but still a guy who enjoys women in general. You can't tell me that trait *poof* disappears as soon as he says "I do" or as soon as he starts dating "the woman of his dreams".

You see, habits are deeply ingrained patterns of behavior within humans. They're very difficult to see as "habits" sometimes, but I know I personally found that by examining almost every single behavior I exhibit, they're all "habitual" in nature. The way I put on my pants in the morning, the way I tie my shoes, the way I lay in bed, the way I act around strangers, the way I act around friends, the way I chew my food, my nervous habits... everything is a habit. And having to change any habit is DIFFICULT - even the seemingly minor habits I display.

No wonder so many people, like myself, go through a serious bout of self-hatred and depression before coming to terms with something like Polyamory - our cultural icons, unfortunately, are TV and movie stars, and the mainstream popular shows that "live" for 5-10 seasons and are aimed towards Adults trying to discover themselves after separation from Mom and Dad are demonizing honesty with oneself, one's emotions, and their impact upon others around them.

That's the main reason I don't pay very much attention to relationship-based mainstream media - I already grew up with a Mom and a Dad trying to teach me "right" from "wrong", and now as a well-raised adult forging my own adult life I'd rather have my mind expanded - to be educated on the expansiveness of life, how much there is to learn and to love, etc - instead of having it confined and encouraged into the dark corner of dishonesty with myself and others.

For those who are still in the grips of depression and anger at yourself for not fitting in to the proposed way of doing things in relationships, I hope you'll take a moment to consider that it is not necessarily YOU that has a warped way of looking at things, but rather the highly-regulated mainstream media that is shoving its own messages down your throat, despite the fact that it doesn't really care whether you're happy or miserable in following its direction.

Stuck On Youse (Macleans.ca)

Polyamorous relationships aren't any less committed -- they're just a bit more crowded

CATHY GULLI

When an old flame walked back into Helen's life just a few months before she was to walk down the aisle with another man, there was only one solution: marry her fiancé, Michael Schilder, and start dating Aaron Miedema again -- and have him emcee the wedding reception. "If I had been trying to choose a monogamous lifestyle, when Aaron came back into my life it would have been a crisis," says Helen Schilder, 33, a dressmaker. "I would have been thrown into a tizzy. But because I was polyamorous, we could share."

Read the rest of the Nov 2005 Macleans article

Fast Seduction and MLTRs

My journey down the educational road towards Polyamory started with a general feeling of confusion, frustration and depression because I was feeling something I had been raised like many others to believe was "wrong", and "bad". Yet, I didn't feel like I was a wrong or bad person, just a person who found connection with more than one person in my life.

My first educational readings surrounding my dilemma were on a Usenet newsgroup about "Fast Seduction", whose main purpose was to help guys change from being an Average Frustrated Chump (AFC) to being, well, Pick Up Artists. The main premise of the discussions were surrounding the topic of How To Get Laid, and a secondary premise was What To Do If You Wish To Stay Sexless And Miserable.

I, as a woman with no real close male friends with whom I could ask honest, tough questions, learned a lot from the readings, and I even hopped into some of the discussions as one of the rare females who didn't hop in just to start a flame war with all the guys and their "piggish" ways. I actually hopped into conversation with an open mind and asked some tough questions and answered some other tough questions that came back as a result.

It was incredibly difficult to read and participate in that forum because a lot of the focus was on guys getting laid and being desired, and there wasn't very much focus on ethics. There were some folks who talked about MLTRs (multiple Long Term Relationships) which had an ethical and honest tinge to them, but overall the focus was to get guys to a place where they feel confident and good enough about themselves in order to attract a sexual partner, and, well, since they need practice in order to really feel confident about it all, it's actually recommended that an AFC in recovery NOT get into a long term relationship for fear of falling back into their old self-destructive habits.

At any rate, my time in that forum didn't last long - perhaps 4 months or so. I learned a lot and still go back and refer to the Fast Seduction website every once in a while, but in general, it's not aimed at me as a target market, so I've leaned towards other places more regularly for information more directly useful to me.

Sometimes I think about returning as one of the few level-headed females that contribute to the discussions, but I wonder what the benefit of it would truly be. I mean, it's nice to "know thy enemy" (ie: the Pick up artist only interested in one night or interested in finding "that one" that will end up in bed with him tonight), but it also builds mistrust of men in me.

And I don't need that. There's already enough in life that contributes to that.

Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marrage

I've never been a 'standard female', and the more I write and the more you read, I think that will become glaringly apparent.

In fact, in my most recent serious relationship which is moving from Primary status to some kind of nebulously-defined Secondary status, I've often felt as if the gender roles were reversed. Of course, being in a polyamorous relationship instead of a monogamous one is a big deviance from what most of society labels as 'normal' in itself, but adding in the gender role confusion that is probably quite 'normal' within my generation (X) just made my world more confusing when I'd try to compare it to what I perceived society was putting forth as "normal". I've known myself to be 'different' than others for many years, but these last five years have really hammered it home.

So, that being said, I found this article about fear of commitment in "young males" (and I snickered at the fact that young males are now 25-33 instead of 18-25 as they used to be) quite interesting and familiar in some ways, and frankly quite rewarding in others.

The rewarding part came from the fact that I'm a woman who is child-free by choice and therefore a few of the fears these guys mentioned wouldn't be a worry with me. I've got no children, want no children, and have no dependants of any other kind.

But of course, I'm not ultimately looking for "marriage", either. I'm not really interested in the ceremony nor the "standing up in front of the world to declare my love" thing. Love is a delicate, private thing that can strongly be affected by "the world", I would rather treat it with the respect and courtesy I believe enduring Love deserves.

Of course, there are pieces in this article that are strongly monogamistic (and therefore at times based on fantasy for the future, not reality) that inspire a wry smile... Reason #6 for Young Men being afraid to commit is one of those pieces. As a polyamorous person I've pondered the deeper meaning behind soulmates and personally have discovered that while there are not a thousand or even 20 people I connect with on a 'soulmate' level, there is DEFINITELY more than one. The longer I live, the more people I meet and talk to and get to know, the more I've realized that my soulmates come in many different shapes, sizes, and in both genders as well. In fact, it was this soulmate-like connection with three or four people at a time - some sexually charged and some not - that spawned my initial forage into researching and reading about multiple long-term relationships (MLTRs) and polyamory.

And of course there's the standard serial-monogamist view of relationships that are "in the mean time" to finding a soulmate... that a relationship (and even a co-habitating one!) "for now" is just fine to do while looking for that "permanent" "one". Even when I hadn't realized my polyamorous leanings yet, I knew I didn't want to be that type of a person - the one who drops one relationship to start another, the one who has "filler" relationships to help pass time. Thankfully, the whole concept of poly as it's mapped itself out in my brain allows me to NOT be that person while still receiving plenty of love, affection and support from those around me.

I do look forward to meeting one of these "young men" who have figured out and built their own lives and who have respect for the fact that I've got my own life too (and of course, that I will never bear children) but I do fear I'm going to have to push past the more desperate ones who look towards their relationships with other people to determine their complete worth (partial worth is fine, as we do exist in a society with other people and need to get along with some of them some of the time ;) ). I wonder how I'll be able to determine that... and how many times I'll get it wrong before I get it right.

Stay tuned, I guess ;)

My vision of Primary and Secondary

These are the things I want of a Primary and Secondary. I'm willing to bend I suppose, but this is my starting list. Since I'm starting somewhat over, at least with the whole Primary role, I think this is a good thing for me to specify even if it changes:

PRIMARY


• Happy co-habitation
  
• Sharing of home duties/financials
  
• Practicing poly (ie: not new to it, not "wanting to try it", already experienced)
  
• Partners take the time to get to know me, knowing full well my role
  
• Takes the time to get to know my partners without insecurity and hiding
  
• Self-confident, likes himself and is able to communicate clearly and caringly
  
• Responsible for his own feelings and does not try to take responsibility for mine
  
• Sexually exciting, responsive and open to new things
  
• Happy with being child-free in our relationship
  
• Emotionally supportive
  
• Whatever 'escape' they have isn't used as a reason to not be something listed above
  

SECONDARY


• Co-habitation is an option but not required
  
• Completely honest with other partners about me
  
• Partners take the time to get to know me, knowing full well my role
  
• Takes the time to get to know my partners without insecurity and hiding
  
• Travelling partner/group for holidays
  
• Emotionally supportive, accepting sometimes all I need is loving cuddles/touches
  
• Responsible for his own feelings and does not try to take responsibility for mine
  
• Sexually exciting, responsive and open to new things
  
  

Things Polyamorous People Should Know About

By Mistress Matisse

"Having three people in a happy, perfectly balanced sexual relationship is often regarded as the Holy Grail of polyamory. But in Arthurian legend, Galahad, the guy who actually reached the Grail, was a virgin who led a sinless life. Let that serve as an example of the difficulty and sacrifices usually required to make one's triad dreams come true.

Got the hots for one of those strictly monogamous people? Yeah, they're like puppies—really cute, but often a whole lot of trouble. They either toy with you until they get another mono partner, or worse yet, they'll try to make you be monogamous, too."

Read the entire article here

Noel Coward play, Design For Living

More interesting stuff found around. Wonder where I can see this if I don't have access to the Shaw Festival?


"In 1933, Noel Coward wrote a play called Design For Living, which could have been written in 2006 in all but one way.

The play, which is now playing at the 2006 Shaw Festival, could have been written in 2006 because it is about what is now termed polyamory - relationships based on unconcealed non-monogamy, ongoing relationships with multiple partners. As people in polyamorous situations have always known, and now often discuss openly, it takes a certain kind of skilled balancing to pull off the relationship in a way that is fair and happy for everyone involved."

read on here...

Unmarried households rule in the US

I'm actually Canadian but I read News on Yahoo.com regularly and found this recent article:

WASHINGTON (AFP) - It is by no means dead, but for the first time, a new survey has shown that traditional marriage has ceased to be the preferred living arrangement in the majority of US households.

You can read the full article here on Yahoo's news site

More from the article...

"More than 14 million of them were headed by single women, another five million by single men, while 36.7 million belonged to a category described as "nonfamily households," a term that experts said referred primarily to gay or heterosexual couples cohabiting out of formal wedlock.

"In addition, there were more than 30 million unmarried men and women living alone, who are not categorized as families, the Census Bureau reported.

"By comparison, the number of traditional households with married couples at their core stood at slightly more than 55.2 million, or 49.8 percent of the total."

Why Polyamory Fits Me

I knew from a young age that I didn't want to be a "standard female".

In elementary school, this drive to be unique, drive to be different than other girls, manifested itself in "tom-boy" behavior - I preferred sports over dolls, had no interest in Barbie and Ken and aside from one feed-me dollie before I entered Kindergarten, I never wanted to own a doll or 'play house' or pretend I was a Mommy.

In junior high and high school, the sports and non-feminine behavior continued. I didn't wear jewelry nor makeup nor skirts, didn't giggle over boys, and really didn't even have much interest in dating. I grew up in a small town whose grapevine was very quick and very short, and I never had any interest in being on the tips of everyone's tongue. Getting out of the small town was the ultimate goal of finishing High School.

Despite all of my attempts to not be like a standard female, I still am a straight female. I've pondered on this a great deal and find that while I find some women to be a mentor to me, and I can honestly say that I love my best female friend, I'm really only sexually attracted to males.

Of the few relationships I had before 2000, many had a 'cheating' element to them. I've been someone else's someone else, and have had a someone else of my own. I've even done the nasty with two people in one day, with one guy being unaware of the other, and one quite aware of the other. But, I always told myself that part of the reason was that I wasn't "serious" about this boyfriend, that I wasn't ready to settle down and therefore "it didn't matter". Like Joey on an early episode of Friends when he finds out his father has a woman on the side, I thought I'd be able to be the "stand up girl and go the distance" when I found the "right guy".

Then I met this guy... I was single at the time, but he wasn't. He aroused a lot of thoughts and feelings in me during the short time we were together, and I walked away from him because it was too much for me to handle - the distance, the secrecy, the lust, and the Love that was continuing to grow out of every action I saw him take.

When I walked away from him, I thought he was the only one who could make me feel that way - he was unique, he was different, he was special, but we weren't meant to be together, and even if he were single, the relationship would have been hellish on my side. He was too fine, too hot, too interesting, and too well-liked. At the age of 23 or so, I wasn't emotionally prepared for something that intense, because I never believed that a guy so fine, hot, interesting and well-liked would consider me. He could, after all, have practically any woman he wanted.

Three years after saying goodbye to him and not really being able to talk through the separation transition, I met someone else who aroused some of the same feelings in me. But this time, I was already in a serious relationship, married via common law, and thought I was happy with it.

It took me many months to come to terms with the fact that I really did have the capacity to love two people and not take love away from either of them. I realized during that transition that part of my problem had been my upbringing: Mom and Dad raised me to believe that you can Love your family and husband, but only Like your friends. And of course, as most of us were raised to believe, Loving two people at the same time means only that I had to make a choice of WHICH to continue to love, and which to discard.

I have troubles with that whole "discard the old love for the new one" type of serial monogamy that is encouraged in the world. It makes me feel insecure, because I know that personally I am attracted to a wide variety of people, and although I'm a lucky female who isn't libido-driven when it comes to deciding my actions with those people I'm attracted to, I experienced the hurt that a libido-driven male can generate when it comes time to choose someone new and get rid of the old one.

While I'm glad my husband (soon to be ex) was supportive in exploring the scary world of Polyamory, I'm more glad that I discovered this community online that thinks in similar ways that I do about relationships and the detrimentitive effect of jealousy-laden and cheating-prone Monogamy.

My family doesn't know, and I don't know if I'll "come out" to them or not. I'd like to be able to but that depends on my ability to stay ethical in this ethical non-monogamy story.

Stay tuned to find out how it goes, and about many other thoughts on the topic!

Intro to Polyamory Blog

So, here I am.

I'm mid-thirties, female, and "discovered" Polyamory in 2001.

It wasn't until some time in 2002 that my husband and I moved forward into 'active poly' from 'theoretical poly'. I re-united with a former boyfriend in March 2002 or so, and my husband escalated a friendship more towards "lover" state in September of that same year.

Neither of these first relationships really worked out. My husband broke up with his girlfriend about 6 months later because there wasn't enough intensity for what he was looking for in a secondary, and while the guy who was my 'boyfriend' is still around in my life and still wants to be with me, I feel that I need something different.

My husband has since gone out with and broken up with another secondary girlfriend since breaking up with the first, and I've re-united (somewhat) with a long-distance lover and found a supportive friend who was interested in being my 'secondary' but isn't the right one for that transition, for me.

I've been with Husband for 9 years now, and we made our transition into ethical non-monogamy 4 years into the relationship. It wasn't an easy transition for many reasons, but like the transition from employee-mindset to employer-mindset, I know it's a good thing we worked through, even though our relationship now is looking more Secondary than Primary.

Husband and I are splitting up in a Primary sense. We had the pivitol conversation nearly three weeks ago and since then have only progressed further down the break-up path. Folks around us hoped we'd figure it out and stay together, but figuring it out is making us lean more towards splitting up, the more we talk about it.

I guess there's no going back from this one. I guess I'm happy about that, but I also know I'm sad and frightened and ... feeling a little abandoned. But, truthfully, the balance of our relationship was always skewed, we got & stayed together for the wrong reasons and now we're just no longer willing to live in a state of unhappiness.

One thing that OF COURSE has been mentioned is the whole "poly" part of us breaking up. Folks who are aware of our poly relationship but who participate in monogamous (but not necessarily fidelious, if that's a word - meaning, they've cheated but didn't get caught) relationships have made comments about how polyamory probably played into the destruction of our relationship. My return comment is that when Monogamous relationships break up, monogamy is not blamed, so I'm not going to accept in any way that Polyamory is to blame here. In fact, I think polyamory kept us together for longer than we would have had we subscribed to the "only one for me" theory.

At any rate, this is my blog about Polyamory in general, my Poly thoughts in the world, and a more personal side, the break-up of a primary relationship and the re-discovery of love and the future in an ethical non-monogamy sense.

Notes are welcome, but abusive flames will be removed and disregarded for the most part. This blog is about love - self love, love for others, love for life. Feel the love, but know I am not a threat to you if you wish to contain your capacity for it.

If you have questions, they're welcome however. Even 'hard questions' which are meant to make me really think about what I'm doing or thinking are just fine. This lifestyle of mine is not 'standard', I know, but as I read somewhere:

"Normal is a word we use to describe someone we don't know very well" - Anonymous